Depression's an asshole

Hey, so the title of this post is "Depression's an asshole." Because it is. Shit's getting out of hand. I've been fairly depressed all year (realizing for the first time in your life you have no idea what you want to do can trigger that, apparently) but up until recently I could stave off feeling horrible with social interaction. Lately, though, that's stopped working. I'll go out and have a good time at first, but slowly my chest will start to feel tight and heavy, and I will stop having the energy or desire to say anything, and by the end it's difficult to even smile at anyone, let alone participate in a conversation. "Nothing makes us feel more alive than watching someone die." The reverse is also true. Nothing makes you feel more incompetent and miserable than other people happily talking about their accomplishments and endeavors (when you're depressed, and not accomplishing anything.) Then of course you feel guilty about this.

The other night I went out with friends and stayed a single hour before I left, feeling suffocated, to walk the twenty minutes home, then go for a run. Outside. In the snow. At midnight. I haven't "gone for a run" since maybe... June? But walking home I knew it's exactly what I ought to do, and sure enough, I felt fantastic. I didn't even feel cold -- it was strange.

I read something important the other day -- something I used to know and believe, and had since forgotten. I read that sadness is necessary, and important. I've been sad for so long, it's ceased to feel like anything other than A Problem to rid myself of. But I forgot: sadness shows us that what we had mattered to us.

Remembering this has helped me to be less afraid of my feelings, and less critical. When I feel sad or inadequate or "not myself" I get the overwhelming urge to curl up in a cave until it passes. I don't usually reach out to people or even admit that I'm feeling low. It might be a pride thing, and a dislike of being vulnerable, and a wish to be seen by everyone as "someone who doesn't need your help." Deep down I want to be that person you go to when you're feeling down, but I don't ever want to be on the other end.

But I'm trying to break myself of it, because apparently it's okay. So this is me talking about what's actually going on, and I might want to get coffee with some of you, and I might ask you to listen to me vent a bit. For now, this is an update on what's going on. I'm kind of wondering what I'm going to do with this blog if I do start wanting to put art on it again....