So this might sound strange, but I've been thinking a lot about the most basic, underlying reasons behind why I want to do things.
For instance, I thought I wanted to be an artist, but why? What did I want to do with art? When I really get down to it, a lot of times things like "art" or "writing" seem like means to an end for me. I think what drives me so crazy when I hear artists talking endlessly about their "process" is that I usually don't enjoy my own process. And I've done plenty of little exercises and told myself this and that to find out if I *could* possibly enjoy the process, but should I really do something I have to force myself to enjoy?
I don't "love making art." I don't "love writing." If I did, I'd be doing both of those things all the time. Wouldn't I? I like doing little things within those mediums (creating characters, using a tiny brush to paint the pink edge of an eye, etc) but not "making art" or "playing with language" on the whole.
Part of what worries me about this is, like most everyone else, I want to be significant. I want to contribute something valuable to my field, and I don't think I can do that if I have no interest in most of what these fields entail.
I was thinking last night about what I do actually find value in -- why I like the art I like, the stories, etc -- and a lot of it has to do with a feeling of connection and understanding. This isn't some silly "I want everyone to link hands and sing and then there will be no more war," this is me wanting to do what so many pieces of art, writing, and music have done for me: connect with someone I don't know, and let them know they're not alone. That, more than anything else in this world, is what I want to do. Someone told me this was the wrong way to go about things -- and I see their point. But I keep coming back to it over and over again, because it's not just a thought, it's this gut-level feeling that no amount of logic or argument seems to chip away at. I don't care if it sounds childish or naive.
The thing is, if I were to say that in a circle of "fine" artists, I think I would be laughed out of the room. And truly, I don't know if you can make an interesting piece of fine art with that desire as the impetus. At that point I'm not even interested in the "fine art" part, the "fine art" is like the skin or vehicle I'm using to deliver the real core to an audience. I don't know if any truly influential, memorable fine artist started making artwork simply because they wanted to help people feel less alone. I'm pretty sure truly great artists become artists because they want to... make art.
So I guess the question now is... if I'm going to be driven by this desire no matter what I do, what should I... do? I've wondered about being a therapist (directly helping people sort themselves out), but 1) don't want to go back to school, 2) don't want to fall further into debt, and 3) worry I would end up burned out before the first year was up. I've wondered about being a stand-up comedian, but I worry that humor would be ruined for me once it became my job -- and right now it's the best escape I have when things get stressful.
I don't know. I've been trying hard not to take my bitterness and confusion out on the people close to me, but it seems to be getting more and more difficult. So not only am I totally confused about what to do, but I feel guilty all the time for getting jealous, getting frustrated, being depressed and wet-blanket-like, etc. I just want to figure this out and feel like a whole person again.
