I am a child of the modern world; when I have a question - any question - I ask Google. "How do I export a file to Final Cut?" "How long do mashed potatoes last unrefrigerated?" "How do I figure out what I love to do?" For some of these questions, Google has helpful things to tell me. For others, not so much.
I was in a meeting a few days ago, helping to curate a local talent showcase. We were discussing our mission statement, and what each of us thought the event could "do" for the city and ourselves. When one of my co-panelists said he intended the event as an exploration, to find out why people make things, my mind started to wander. I was struck by a familiar dull ache - the urge to do something creative, the longing to express myself with something magical, the awareness of how far away I was from actually doing so.
Curating and planning this (vaguely described) talent showcase has given me a lot. I've gained a small sense of purpose (devoting myself to something I believe in), learned how to work with a group as an adult (not half-heartedly like I did in school), and seen that I have something to offer (not to mention met a group of wonderful people). I'm so grateful to have the opportunity. But I'm involved in this event, and then I also work at a large-scale contemporary art gallery and film theatre. Essentially, I spend most of my waking life as a facilitator. I serve as the glue to bring creative things to people, without actually making creative things myself.
For a lot of people, this is not only "enough," it is "great." Great enough to build a life around. And objectively, you can call it whatever you want. I'm much closer to doing what I want in my professional life than I've ever been before. I've also been vigorously studying the concept of acceptance, and trying to practice taking life as it is, rather than fighting it. But I keep getting this niggling feeling that I'm taking the easy route - that I'm meant to do something more, and I'm avoiding it to avoid my anxieties and my existential angst.
So here's what I'm trying to figure out: how does one know when to "accept" the way the stream is carrying you, and when to use a paddle?
I don't have an answer for this yet. I'm fairly sure I'll never get a satisfying one. As much as I value the input of other people, I am increasingly realizing that sometimes you have to just decide things for yourself. When I'm about to die, I'm not going to say to myself, "I'm so glad I never made people angry!!!" or "I'm so glad I got so many people to approve of my life choices, even though I don't particularly care for them!!!" or "I'm so glad my mom never worried about me for any reason!!!" (Love you, Mom.) I've seen people tie themselves into pretzels (myself included) trying to escape a certain feeling or truth or life circumstance rather than dealing with it - either by fighting it in a way it can't be fought, or by "accepting" it by detaching, drinking a lot, and telling all your friends you "don't really care" about it, "no, really," and then getting into a fistfight. (Okay no, I've never done that last one but you get the point.)
What I really know is that I need to start a regular meditation practice, so I'm more aware of why I'm doing things and why I want things. I've been a little wimp about actually scheduling said meditation, so maybe airing this in public will help.
